I've had a number of intense and enjoyable experiences lately. I don't regret anything I've done, and I'll happily keep doing it. There is a missing element, though. Its absence is beginning to create an anxious sadness in me. I despise admitting it, but it's there, and I'm afraid that the longer I deny it, the worse I will feel.
I think that to feel better, I soon need to experience sex with someone who wants me. In other words, I miss having sex with someone who seeks intimacy with me; who is interested in more than rough or transgressive or exciting sex; who wants to share true intimacy, the kind it's difficult to experience without really knowing someone and wanting to make them feel good out of some measure of respect, tender regard, desire for communion. . . . And someone who wants me specifically -- not just because I'm the person who is willing and handy.
Don't get me wrong. Casual sex has been great for me, and I don't want to stop. But I can't live on casual sex alone. I need more than that. If not always, at least occasionally. I suppose it's a sort of defeat to admit it. I didn't want to write it down or say it out loud, I know that much. It makes me feel weak, and I hate letting my insecurities show. I wish it were the case that I felt my inherent worth strongly enough that I never needed to have it affirmed by someone else. Apparently, it is not.
The real question is whether, in the absence of such a partner, I can deal with sex in other contexts. I have been able to so far. But this gnawing disquiet has crept in, and I don't know what to do to rid myself of it.
The photo is mine -- taken on the Kenai Peninsula in Alaska.
6 comments:
Beautiful photo. Wow...
Thank you.
I think you have stumbled on the little bid of god code that is deep in our DNA darlin'.
For some reason, we need to feel special from the outside and the inside.
PK
i have been feeling the same thing after 3 years of casual sex and stark singleness.
it has been fun, exciting, and i can leave it whenever i need to knuckle down at work.
but it begins to feel empty after a while. cold. it took me a long long time to admit it to myself as well.
and now that i have admitted it, i can't seem to find anyone worthy of my cause. the casual sex continues, everyone stays detached.
It is, truly, a basic human need to have the connection of which you write. I wouldn't be so bold as to posit we, as humans, are the only species that needs this connection and views sex as something other than a reproduction necessity.
It has been put forth dolphins enjoy "casual sex," as do other species; however, it is, probably, due to our ability to converse in such depth about our emotional needs that, in time, makes casual coupling, to some degree, unsatisfying on the whole.
Such couplings can satisfy our baser desires and needs, but that longing inside our souls goes unfed and that, in time, becomes a gnawing hunger in us. It is likely you are now at such a stage in your life. I haven't taken the time to read all your blogs or research your past, e.g., marriages, etc.; however, it seems from the few blogs I have read that while you enjoy the sexual couplings and their intensity in the moment, it is that hunger to be held after the act and fall asleep in a lover's arms that is missing. Additionally, it would be nice, from what I've read, to you if you could have some stability in your life and love life. Here's hoping you find, unlike U2, what you're looking for!
I will use this venue to communicate as I find no e-mail link. Have you stopped updating your blogs? If so, I will admit to disappointment as your writing is so nicely done. Additionally, I enjoy being a detached voyeur of your life as granted by your blog.
Post a Comment